Breaking Up Is Hard to Do: Love in Ladue

Have you ever been in love and committed to someone so much so that you know if a moment called for it, you would happily give your life for that person without even thinking first?

And all you want is for that person to have the best life has to offer. And you do everything within your power to help your special someone achieve the best in life. Your thoughts are turned toward the love of your life rather than on yourself – always. You are supportive in successes and offer an understanding shoulder during times of failure. There is absolutely nothing you wouldn’t do for the person you love with a disclaimer: as long as it doesn’t involve physical pain or suffering. You love that person with every cell in your body. Your very soul cries, “I love you.”

And then one day, without warning, the love of your life ends the relationship. Your life is turned upside down. You feel lost. You are unable to breathe. Everyone around you expects you to “just get over it and move on.” You try, but you just cannot seem to get your legs under you. Your life is a mess. The life you knew and thought you would live is no more. It feels like a death has occurred; only nobody actually died. But, still you grieve the death of your relationship and perhaps the death of whom you thought you were as defined by your relationship.

How do you get over a break up of a significant relationship? How much time should it take to get back to “normal” and do you ever get back to “normal”?

Psychologists and therapists say that a divorce takes at best two years to feel better. For every two years of marriage, it can take a full year to recover. In other words, recovery from a divorce in a marriage that lasted ten years can take up to five years for recovery. I would guess that if you are not married, but in a committed relationship, the recovery time is the same.

Sometimes you may think enough time has passed, and feel angry or frustrated with yourself for not “getting over it” and others may express their frustrations as well. Give yourself a break. Grief happens in its own timing. Although there are things you can do to help yourself, you can not rush the grief process. If you do, you will find yourself repeating the process all over again. Only when you are truly ready to move on, will you be able to.

Here are a few tips to help you start moving past a break up and moving on to a happier life in your future.

1. Ask for help and let others help you. You cannot expect everyone in your life to know that you need their help. They won’t know if you don’t tell them.
2. Seek professional help. There are a number of licensed professionals who deal with relationship break ups every day. They can offer practical advice and help.
3. Give yourself permission to feel the way you feel.  Acknowledge the way you feel. Your feelings are true and valid.
4. Realize that you won’t feel this badly forever.  Nobody really wants to hear this when their heart is breaking into a million pieces, but it is true. You will feel better eventually.
5. Accept that the relationship is over. We tend to want to hold on to a relationship that is no longer. But, don’t. Hanging on with false hope will only prolong the pain and hinder the healing process.
6. Realize that while you are still processing the break up, your partner has already moved on. As much as you want it to be, it will never be back the way it used to be. Accepting that fact will help you move forward.
7. Give up trying to get the apology and/or explanation you feel you deserve. Even if your ex gave you a lengthy explanation or apology, you may still not feel closure. Sometimes you just cannot get closure. Accept it and stop trying.
8. Turn your focus from the past to the future. Not an easy thing, but necessary. If you are always looking back, you cannot possibly look forward.
9. Try to see this unplanned change as a chance for a new life and have trust/faith that things will work out. Celebrate your new life as a single person. You have a lot of life to look forward to even if you didn’t choose to change the one you already had.
10. Be willing to take risks and make mistakes. No matter how well you are doing in the process, you are going to make mistakes. Try not to view them as failures.

If you have tips for how to survive a break up, let us know in our comments section. We want to hear your personal stories.

Editor’s note: research was conducted to find relationship tips. Information was found on http://www.psychologytoday.com/.